Somniloquy
by crazykitsune17
Summary: Valenwind three-shot. Cid has a problem with sleeptalking and Yuffie stages an intervention to get to the bottom of this obnoxious problem. COMPLETE.
1. Part One

A/N: I'm diverging from my usual habit of writing one-shots and have graduated to writing two-shots. I'm quite fond of them now. I haven't written a comedy fic in a very long time, so I hope you enjoy this one!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VII.

* * *

**Somniloquy**

Part One

By crazykitsune17

* * *

"What is it with teenaged girls and their freakish damned obsession with 'who likes who'?" Cid roared in Yuffie's face after being asked for the thousandth time, "Who do you like, Cid, huh? Is it Shera? Do you love her?"

"Whaaat?" Yuffie whined. "It's just a question. Dunno why you hafta get so uptight about it, you crappy-assed pilot!"

"What did you call me!?"

"Yeah, that's right, your piloting sucks! Can't you fly an airship without making me horribly sick for once?" Yuffie shouted.

"It ain't my pilotin', it's your own damned weakness that makes ya sick!"

"Whatever!" retorted the ninja. "Maybe I won't insult your so-called piloting 'skills' if you'd just tell me who you like!"

"No one!" Cid yelled. "I'm a pilot, all I care about's my ship and my sky. I don't need no woman to make me happy!" He huffed and viciously pulled out a cigarette from the pack he kept in his jacket. "Go bother someone else with your stupid girl talk."

"Whatever, whatever!" sing-songed Yuffie. "Besides, who says it needs to be a woman to make you happy? It could be a guy, too."

"I ain't gay, if that's what yer thinkin'."

"Then how come you won't say you like Shera, huh? She cooks for you, she does your laundry and helps you with your work. She's the perfect woman, don't you think? So why don't you like her, huh?"

"I don't like Shera like that! Now leave me alone, will you?"

"I think you like boys."

"Go away, Yuffie."

"You know, Wutai attracts a lot of those kinds of people. Lots of guys going on secret honeymoons—"

"I said get the hell out, Yuffie!"

The pilot pushed the younger ninja out of his tent that he shared with Vincent. Yuffie stuck out her tongue, feeling cheerful that she had successfully completed her mission of bugging the crap out of Cid Highwind. Though she hadn't succeeded in getting a confession out of the high-strung pilot, she knew she was getting closer to solving the mystery of _who is Cid dreaming about when he talks in his sleep…?_

* * *

Cid's tentmates and hotel roommates had been telling strange tales of the pilot talking in his sleep on dark, clear nights. According to Vincent, Cloud, and Red XIII, who had all at some point shared quarters with Cid, the pilot was known to say things like, "Ungh… Where are ya?", "Eh... Be by my side, will ya?", and even "Nyeh… I love ya…"

Doubtful of the pilot's strange nighttime behavior, Yuffie decided to investigate for herself one night, and, with the assistance of a thoroughly creeped-out Vincent, invaded Cid's tent and stayed hidden in the shadows all night. And, just as the other men had described, Cid did, indeed, sleeptalk… and very erotically so.

"Who do you think he's talking about?" Red XIII had asked Yuffie in hushed whispers the next morning. "Do you think it's Shera?"

"I dunno," pondered Yuffie. "I'm gonna try and find out!"

"Good," Red XIII had said. "It's honestly starting to scare me. And I feel bad for Vincent, because right now he's the only one who will room with him."

"Don't worry, Red XIII! I'll get to the bottom of this!"

* * *

For the next few days, Yuffie had been trying – but with no real success – to get Cid's dark secret out in the open. The rest of Avalanche praised her valiant efforts, but it didn't appear that Cid was going to spill his secret anytime soon.

"All right," Yuffie said one night after Cid had gone to sleep. (The pilot had stormed off in fury at the ninja for bothering him once again about "who he likes".) The other members of Avalanche were listening intently to the young ninja. "Desperate times call for drastic measures. Something needs to be done about Cid's sleeptalking problem!"

"I agree," moaned an awfully tired-looking Vincent. "I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in a while. His sleeptalking is extremely distracting."

"Don't worry, Vincent!" Yuffie clapped a caring hand on the gunman's shoulder. "We'll get you a good night's rest tonight! I promise!"

Vincent only shrugged in reply. "All right," Yuffie whispered. "My plan is to ambush him and stage an intervention! We'll force the answer out of him if we have to! Tifa and Cloud, you guys are responsible for stealing all his weapons so he won't have a chance to attack us if he gets too angry. Red XIII and Cait Sith, you two are in charge of securing the perimeter, making sure no one will get in our way. Barrett, you're a big guy, after I wake him up, you pin him down and make sure he doesn't move a muscle while I'm interrogating him."

"Got it!" shouted the various members of Avalanche.

"What should I do then?" asked Vincent. "Do you need me for anything?"

Yuffie looked up at the heavens and its multitude of stars. "Uhm… Nah, you sit this one out, Vince. You're tired, aren't you? Go take a nap or something."

Not sure what to say, Vincent shrugged again and sat down near the smoldering remains of the fireplace outside. Tapping his foot in a languid rhythm, he observed as Cait Sith and Red XIII scoured the perimeter of their outdoor tent camp for monsters and other such interruptions. They found none, so Vincent cast his glance over to Cloud and Tifa, who were making off with Cid's collection of spears and lances, quietly hiding them meters away in some bushes. Yuffie also watched as the Avalanche team prepared for their next mission; she caught Vincent's eye and gave him a wink and an okay sign with her fingers.

"Let's go!" she whispered, and Barret snuck into the tent with her.

With mild amusement, Vincent watched and listened to the scuffle that ensued. He heard a string of swearwords – undoubtedly Cid's – followed by a lower-toned string of cussing – that one Barret's – and a shrill-pitched scream belonging to Yuffie. Cloud and Tifa ran in to help, and finally, the four had succeeded in dragging a highly agitated Cid Highwind out onto the ground.

Sputtering and swearing, Cid roared, "What the hell's this all about? What are you doing? Get the hell offa me, Barret!"

"No can do, captain," laughed Barret, one giant foot planted on the small of Cid's back. "You got shit to talk about before I can let you go."

"Whaddya mean I got shit to about?! What's going on?" Cid seemed frantic as well as angry, and Vincent couldn't help but think that maybe this was all a little bit too much just to force a ridiculous secret out of him. The sleeptalking wasn't all _that_ bad. Sure it was annoying and a little bit creepy, the way the pilot carried on about… whoever he was dreaming about… but it wasn't anything the gunman couldn't handle. He had been asleep for years in a coffin; it wouldn't kill him to lose a couple hours every night due to a certain stubborn pilot with a bad habit of not being able to keep his mouth shut…

Just as he thought that, a yawn overwhelmed him, and his eyelids grew heavy, and Vincent knew he was kidding himself. It wouldn't do any good to keep going on such little sleep – not with all of the battles and dangers he faced every day with the Avalanche team. No, this unorthodox intervention was a necessity. Shaking his head, his raven locks caressing his cheeks with every swish, Vincent urged himself to stay awake and listen carefully to whatever Cid had to say. It's true; he was a bit curious as to who it was that Cid dreamed so passionately about.

"Let me go!" Cid cried pitifully. "Is this a mutiny against your captain? I said let me go, damn it!"

"Sorry, _captain_, but you're gonna hafta hear me out," said Yuffie in a disturbingly authoritative manner. Even Cid noticed the official tone in her voice and quieted himself in his subdued position on the ground. "All right, question number one," Yuffie began, pacing back and forth in front of Cid, trying with all her theatrical prowess to play the role of "bad cop" in this charade. "Are you aware, _Mister Highwind_, that you talk in your sleep?"

"Dunno what the hell you're talking about," Cid muttered brusquely. "I don't sleeptalk. Only nutters do that sort of thing!"

Yuffie gave Barret a look, shook her head, and continued on with her investigation. "Whatever, Highwind. Let me just inform you as a first-hand witness that you _do_ in fact talk in your sleep and it's freaking everybody else out!" She planted her hands on her thin hips and leaned forward. "Just take a look at poor Vincent! He looks like he's gonna drop dead of exhaustion any minute now. All because _your_ whacko sleeptalking keeps him up at night!"

Cid snatched a look at Vincent, who did, in fact, look rather sleepy as he sat alone on an upturned stump near the fire pit. The gunman tried his best to look as awake and alert as possible, but failed and slumped his shoulders to a more relaxed position. The pilot squirmed under Barret's foot, and he felt slightly guilty.

"Well, maybe I talk in my sleep. Sorry 'bout that, Vince. I don't mean to keep you up…"

Vincent waved a hand as if to brush off the comment, but he could feel the pilot's sincerity in his apology and appreciated it nonetheless.

"Yeah, yeah," said Yuffie, stepping in front of Cid again and blocking Vincent from his view. "Next question! What are you dreaming about when you talk in your sleep?"

Cid's face blushed red. "Wh-What?"

"You heard me! Whatcha dreamin' about?"

"H-How the hell should I know?" Cid spluttered. "I don't remember half of what I dream about!"

"Liar!" Yuffie shouted. "It's written all over your face. You remember exactly what – or should I say _who_ – you're dreaming about, because your face is beet red!"

"Th-That's just because Barret's damn foot is shoved into my back, and I'm suffocatin' here!"

"Let him go, Barret," said Vincent. "I don't think he'll run away."

Barret relinquished his foot from Cid's back and gave the fallen pilot a helping hand in standing on two feet again. Wheezing, doubled over, Cid mumbled curses to Barret but thanked him anyway for letting him go. He took a cigarette from his jacket and lit it, his face still not losing any of the red blush from before.

"Well?" said Yuffie, tapping an impatient foot. "Spill it, Cid. The only way you can conquer your annoying sleeptalking is if you talk about what's bothering you. Isn't that right, Tifa?"

"Yeah, we'll help you through it, Cid," said Tifa the cheerleader, giving the flustered pilot a bright smile. "We're here for you."

"… Goddammit. You people won't leave an old man alone, will you?" Cid growled.

"Nope!" Yuffie grinned. "Now answer the question!"

"That's personal information!"

"All right, all right, baby steps," said Yuffie. "Let's start by process of elimination. Is it Shera?"

"Hell no!"

"Is it a girl?"

"Of course it's a girl. I ain't gay, you know that."

"Right. Of course you're not," said Yuffie. "That's why you never stare at any of the pretty girls we come across in our travels, huh? Cloud and Barret look at every pretty girl that walks by! Especially when they came across me! Nobody in that group could keep their eyes off a beautiful girl like myself!"

"Wait a minute, I don't look at the girls all the time—" Cloud interrupted, but Tifa elbowed him in the stomach. "Yes you do," she hissed. "Remember those girls in Costa Del Sol?"

"Well, they all had skimpy little swimsuits on, how was I not supposed to look—"

"Hey! Cut it out, you two!" snapped Yuffie. "We're not here to talk about Cloud's bikini girl obsession. We're here to sort out Cid's problem, not yours!"

Cloud and Tifa quieted down. Cid glared at Yuffie.

"Just because I'm not sixteen and my body's not raging full of hormones like yours, you sexually repressed jailbait—"

"Woah, woah, you've got some nerve calling _me_ sexually repressed, crap pilot! I had lots of boyfriends back in Wutai!"

"Poor bastards…"

"What was that!?"

"Whatever, Yuffie, I ain't gay, just leave me alone!"

"Then who are you lusting after when you talk in your sleep, huh, Highwind? Is it Tifa? Or maybe it's me…?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

"So is it Tifa?"

Cid looked at Tifa with a questionable look on his face and frowned. Tifa returned the frown, scooting closer to Cloud, who wrapped a protective arm around her waist. "Nah," said Cid. "She's not really my type."

"Then who is it?" demanded Yuffie with an impatient stamp of her foot. "Come on, now, we don't have all night here! Some of us wanna get to bed, and it would be much more helpful if you would just cooperate!"

The rest of the Avalanche group was starting to get visibly irritated with Cid and Yuffie's little game of intervention. Red XIII wasn't even paying attention anymore, Cait Sith was trying out Cid's hidden weapons, and Barret exhaled loudly, signaling his own impatience and boredom.

"… Fine!" yelled Cid. "You want to know that damn badly, I'll tell ya who I'm dreamin' about!"

"About time!" cried Yuffie, throwing her hands up in the air with exasperation. "Now tell us, who's the lucky lady you're devoting nighttime soliloquies to?"

"It's…" Cid paused, looking around at the annoyed group of Avalanche fighters surrounding him. He cast his eyes down for a moment, then brought them back up, as if to face his fears head-on, the way a good pilot should. "Goddammit, yer the one I'm dreamin' about, Vincent!"

A collective hush swept over the group. Cloud looked dumbfounded; Tifa carried a knowing smirk; Barret looked disgusted; Red XIII cocked his head to the side, a charming confused puppy sort of look gracing his fiery features; Cait Sith stifled a snort, and Yuffie looked triumphant. The only one who appeared not to have noticed Cid's outburst was Vincent himself, who sat, fast asleep, his chin buried in his mantle, eyes closed, looking like he was finally getting the much-needed rest his still-human body deserved.

The collective hush dissipated into hysterical laughter as the full irony of the situation sank in. A comically defeated look washed over Cid's face, and the cigarette he had been smoking fell out of his mouth. Cloud and Tifa chuckled their way over to their separate tents and called it a night, the two of them both thankful that Cid hadn't been lusting over Tifa. Cait Sith held out his hand to Barret, who plopped down a hefty sum of gil. "Told you it was Vincent," the puppet whispered, grinning and bouncing his way to his own tent. Red XIII and Barret both went into their tents, howling with laughter, leaving Cid, Yuffie, and a sleeping Vincent still outside.

"Wow!" hooted Yuffie, doubling over with laughter, tears springing to her eyes. "I knew this was gonna be good, but I never expected something like this! You're dreaming about _Vincent_, that old vampire? Gro-oss! And – ha ha – he's not even awake to hear such a beautiful confession! That's rich!"

"Shut up, Yuffie, or I swear I'll fly my airship so well it'll make you puke your own brains out."

"You're such a sore loser!" whined Yuffie, scampering off into her own tent she shared with Tifa.

Cid sighed, alone outdoors with Vincent. "Figures… It's my own damn fault you're so tired that you fall asleep during my great confession. That's fuckin' beautiful." He grabbed Vincent's limp, sleeping form and pulled him upright. "Hey, you dummy," he whispered, "wake up."

Vincent mumbled and moaned, not opening his eyes, but instead latched on to Cid's shoulders, nuzzling the pilot's neck with his cheek. "All right, all right, I get it, you're tired. Let's go to bed, Vince." Dragging the sleeping gunman behind him, Cid made his way slowly over to his tent, making sure to stamp out what was left of the fire, and gently laid Vincent down on the roll-out mattress.

"Again, I'm sorry for keepin' you up all these nights," Cid whispered. "I just hope you can let me make it up to ya sometime…"

Vincent let out another small noise and pressed his sleep-starved body against Cid's. The pilot smiled.

"This is a good start..."

* * *

- crazykitsune17


	2. Part Two

A/N: Woah, this got dirty! Sorry. I guess old habits die hard… Also, if you choose to continue following this fic, there will be a "secret" omake chapter after this. So this will actually be a three-shot now. Rejoice.

* * *

**Somniloquy**

Part Two

By crazykitsune17

* * *

It was strangely cold inside the tent when Vincent awoke. Rolling over onto his back (and onto a rather chilly bare spot of mattress), the gunman moaned and wiped a hand across his face, smearing the sleep from his eyes and wondering why it was so cold in the tent.

Not only was it cold, something else felt off, too. Something Vincent hadn't felt in a long time. He knew it was a familiar sort of feeling, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Rolling over again to wrap himself in his cloak, he shivered and wondered where Cid was. Usually he was up before the pilot, and usually he was woken up but Cid's awkward sleeptalking. This was definitely an unusual morning, and Vincent was determined to find out why everything was so different.

The gunman sat up in bed, the last bits of drowsiness fading, allowing himself to think more clearly. Suddenly, it hit him. Vincent's deep red eyes opened widely, and he thought to himself, "I'm not tired this morning. I feel fully… awake!"

Excited and amazed at this unusual – but thankfully familiar – level of morning energy, Vincent stretched and smiled, silently thanking whatever gods there may be for these small but wonderful victories. He quickly kicked off his blanket and noted that his shoes were still on. That was strange; usually he took them off before bed. However, with the gunman going on only a few hours of sleep the last few nights, it was to be expected that he would crash in the evening without paying any attention to his footwear.

Lifting up the flap of the tent, he saw the rest of the Avalanche team sitting impatiently around the fire pit, almost as if they had all been waiting for him. Looking up at the sun, Vincent saw with shock that it was almost midday. No wonder he felt so awake and refreshed; he had slept in to a ridiculously late hour.

Vincent didn't say anything as he sat down between Cloud and Cid. The pilot seemed embarrassed for some reason and looked as if he were about to scoot away from Vincent. Cloud cleared his throat, and Tifa stifled a giggle.

It was Yuffie who finally spoke. "Good morning, sunshine," she sang sardonically. Vincent gave her a glare in reply. "How did you sleep?"

The members of Avalanche all shared a knowing smile of which Vincent was rather suspicious. Cid looked away in embarrassment, but the gunman didn't notice. Vincent said nothing.

"Didn't hear any voices in the middle of the night?" prompted Yuffie.

"No, I did not," Vincent replied, a light slowly coming on in his head. He turned to Cid. "Cid, did you cure your sleeptalking?"

Cid sputtered and mumbled something unintelligible. Yuffie nodded for him and shouted, "Yup! Sure did! Thanks to my excellent work as a psychiatrist, we worked all through his problem and cleared it up in no time! Just like I promised you, Vincent!"

"Psychiatrist, my ass! You were more like a police interrogator!" shouted Cid, his face flushed red with anger and more embarrassment.

The events of the previous night returned to Vincent's memory, and he recalled a scene much like that of a police interrogation in which Cid was on the ground and Yuffie was taunting him relentlessly about his sleeptalking. His memory started to slip into an unconscious sort of haze, though, sometime after Cid had denounced Tifa as "not his type"…

Vincent cleared his throat and turned to Cid again. "Well, I am glad that you solved your problem, Cid. I was able to get a good night's rest last night."

"Yeah, I'll bet you did…" muttered Cid in a manner that felt awfully suspicious to Vincent. In fact, there were many suspicious things about this morning… The chill Vincent had suffered, the awkward noontime silence and knowing glances amongst the Avalanche members, the way Cid was so red in the face…

"Well… yes. Your lack of sleeptalking and the embarrassing fact that I slept through most of the morning really helped my body get the rest it needed…" said Vincent, choosing his words carefully. He was still suspicious of the way everyone was acting.

It was Yuffie who lost to a fit of giggles first. "You really have no idea, do you?" she crowed, a hand clamped around her stomach from laughing too hard.

Vincent only looked confused. "I don't know what you're talking about…"

Cid's face turned from red to purple as he grew steadily more mortified by the second. The group's laughter was doing nothing to help his situation, and Vincent only made it worse by turning to the pilot with a desperate pleading sort of look in his eyes… the sort of look that made Cid crazy with the desire to just reach out and hold him, tell him that it's okay and not to listen to these crazy bunch of rude imbeciles…

"Cid, what is going on? Did something happen last night that I'm not aware of…?" Vincent looked as innocent as ever, and Cid lost it.

"Aw, damn it, Vince, don't you ever give me that look in front of people ever again!" cried Cid, grabbing Vincent's slender shoulders with his hands and bringing him closer to his chest.

Vincent cried out in shock but surrendered to the sudden gesture anyway. "Cid—?"

"Come on!" grumbled the pilot, now half-dragging Vincent to a faraway thicket of trees nearby. The rest of the Avalanche group halted their laughter and swapped it for a silent, intrigued stare. Vincent's suspicion meter shot up a few levels as he felt himself lured into the forest. A tree branch entangled itself in his hair, and the gunman wrenched himself out of Cid's grip to pull it out.

The two men in the trees could feel the prying eyes of Avalanche as they watched what they assumed to be Cid's Confession, Act Two. Vincent's hair was snarled from the branch attack, but he was finished fixing the issue and was now staring Cid in the eye.

"Cid, what is going on? Why did you drag me out here? You're all acting very suspicious—"

"Goddammit, Vincent, will ya shut up so I can tell ya?" Cid growled. Vincent shut up. "Okay," continued the pilot. "Well, last night after Yuffie's stupid interrogation routine, I uh… let out a little secret…"

"Yes?"

"… I told them all who I was dreamin' about."

"Did you." Vincent tapped his foot impatiently. He was starting to get annoyed now. Obviously, neither Cid nor the rest of the Avalanche group seemed to want to tell him what exactly was going on, so he might as well just drop it and continue on with their journey.

"Yer not listenin', Vince!" It was Cid's turn to stamp his foot. Vincent had to almost smile; it was like the pilot was throwing a miniature tantrum.

"All right, what is it? Who were you dreaming about?"

"You!"

It didn't hit Vincent for a view seconds what, exactly, it was that Cid had said. After a few seconds, he closed his eyes and opened them slowly in a slow-motion sort of blink. He looked away, a red flush starting to creep up in his pallid cheeks.

"… Is that so…?"

"'Is that so'? '_Is that so_'? Whaddya mean 'is that so'?!" shouted Cid. "I just told you the biggest damned secret of my life and all you can say is 'is that so'? Sheesh, Vince, you're killin' me here!" The pilot stamped his foot again.

Vincent turned to face Cid again, trying very hard to push the sound bytes of Cid sleeptalking out of his mind. "_Come closer… Don't ever… leave me… Oh, mmm, I want you so bad right now…" _

"Cid… why would you dream like that about me?"

"Goddammit!!" roared Cid so loudly that leaves fell off from the trees. In the split-second of silence that followed, Vincent heard Yuffie yell, "Woah!" from the distance.

"Cid…?"

The angry pilot stepped so close to Vincent that the gunman could see the tortured fury in his clear blue-grey eyes. Vincent licked his lips and swallowed, a nervous sweat taking over his body. Cid took another step forward.

"I put my heart and soul into this stupid confession, and all you do is stand there like some kind of idiot! Well, let me tell you, you… you ungrateful piece of shit! I'm not gonna let you get away with this! Aren'tcha gonna say somethin' like, 'Oh, Cid, that's cool!' or, 'Oh, Cid, that's creepy as hell!'? Huh?"

Fearing for his life, Vincent managed to whisper, "Cid, that's creepy as hell."

"You little piece of shit." Cid backed away from the gunman and tossed his head back, laughing. A sense of relief washing over him, Vincent felt that it would be okay to chuckle too, which in turn made Cid laugh even harder.

Overwhelmed with a sense of giddiness, Vincent smiled and fell into Cid's unsuspecting arms. Just like the night before, he nuzzled Cid's neck and breathed in the heavy scent of smoke and oil. Cid wrapped an arm around Vincent and patted his back lovingly.

"Hey, hey, now that's more like it!" the pilot exclaimed. "An' hey… I'm sorry again for keepin' ya up all those nights…"

"I forgive you," said Vincent. "I just wish you had resolved this sooner. Then maybe I could've gotten some sleep and—"

"I said I was sorry about that!" cried Cid.

"Now it's you that's not listening!" argued Vincent, stepping out of Cid's embrace. Shuffling around, the gunman crossed his arms across his chest. "I wasn't finished."

"Sorry. What else didja wanna say?"

Vincent sighed and started over. "Then maybe, in addition to getting some sleep, I could have spent more nights doing this." The gunman placed a soft kiss on Cid's cheeks and glared at the pilot, still annoyed with him for interrupting.

Cid's flush from earlier had returned. His eyes widened like a child's on Christmas, and he didn't speak. Taking advantage of the silence, Vincent quietly returned to Cid's arms and whispered, "All right. We've both spilled out our secrets, but I still need something more…"

"A-Anything for you, Vince…" the pilot mumbled.

"I haven't completely forgiven you for keeping me up all these nights—"

"Goddammit, Vincent, you are too damn hard to please! I said I was fuckin' sorry, what more do ya want—"

"Make it up to me."

"Uh… yeah. How… how can I do that?"

Vincent smiled slightly. "You're the creative one, Cid. You think of something." He turned to walk back to the campsite, but Cid grabbed onto the tail end of his coat and pulled him back.

"Why are ya goin' back so soon, Vince?"

"I don't want to keep people waiting much longer. They might start to get the wrong idea—"

"Then let them! I-In fact, let's even make it interesting!"

Intrigued, Vincent chose to stay.

"Ah, now where did they hide all my stuff…" Cid began rummaging through the underbrush. Vincent watched. Cid continued to mumble to himself and search, pacing back and forth through the trees until finally he cried out in triumph. "There's one of 'em!"

A giant spear covered in leaves and dirt unearthed itself from a tangle of bushes, victoriously clutched in Cid's hand. "I never bothered to pick up all the weapons those damned bastards stole last night – probably not a good idea – but I guess having them stashed here came in handy…" He pulled a stick of dynamite out of his jacket pocket and flipped it casually in his free hand. Vincent continued to watch silently, not sure what exactly Cid was planning to do with a spear and a stick of dynamite – although he had no doubt that it would surely be "interesting".

The pilot affixed the stick of dynamite to the tail end of his spear and lit it. "Hop on, Vincent!" Cid kicked a leg over his spear and straddled it in an uncomfortable-looking position. Vincent cocked his head to the side. "I don't understand, Cid—"

"Just get on, hurry up, this thing's gonna blow!"

Quickly, Vincent joined Cid on top of the spear and clutched the pilot around his waist, pressing his chest against the blonde man's back and hoping that whatever the pilot was planning wasn't going to blow them to bits. Cid tightened his hands around the tip of the spear with a crazy grin on his face and muttered, "Hold on tight…"

The flame reached the end of its fuse and the spear shot high into the air like a rocket. Vincent yelped and clutched Cid harder, shutting his eyes against the stinging wind and still scared half to death from the sound of the explosion. Cid appeared to be enjoying himself thoroughly, cackling with madness and excitement as the spear-turned-rocket propelled them over the tree tops, across a river, and well into the next town.

Vincent looked down and saw them soaring over Cosmo Canyon. With a frightened leap in his stomach, he felt the rocket run out of steam and start to head downward, straight into a cliff. "Cid, we're falling!" he cried, hoping his voice would carry to the pilot's ears over the sound of the roaring wind.

"Well of course we're falling! Ain't gravity just a bitch? Keep holding on, we're in for a rough landing!"

Vincent didn't need telling twice to hold on. The dynamite's flame fizzled out and only a smoldering limp stick was still attached to the now severely burnt tail of Cid's weapon. They were falling quickly, hurtling towards the edge of the cliff at lightning speed, nothing but a couple of struggling plants on the ground to break their fall.

The couples' fall from grace seemed to last an eternity. Finally, with an ear-shattering crack, Cid's weapon snapped in two as it hit the ground forcefully, launching its riders over the front end. Cid and Vincent tumbled a grand total of three times before screeching to a halt on top of each other. Cid's smoking weapon wobbled from the aftershock and clattered to the ground, the burnt end crumbling in defeat.

"Nngh… ouch…" moaned Vincent, forcing himself into a sitting position. His legs were straddling Cid's stomach, and he blinked the stars from his eyes before noticing. Cid grinned up at him, a dizzy, unfocused look in his clear blue eyes, and he laughed. Vincent wasn't sure if the crash landing had messed with his brain cells or if Cid was just being… Cid… but the painful crash landing seemed to the gunman to be far from funny.

First things first, the gunman decided. He raised a hand to Cid's cheek and brushed off the dirt from his grinning face. "Are you all right, Cid?"

"Never better!" replied the pilot. "Man, I didn't think that would actually work! Some ride, huh, Vince?"

Vincent's eyes grew wide. "Cid!" he exclaimed incredulously. "We could've been killed with that stupid trick! Why the hell did you launch us halfway across the continent on a spear with some _dynamite_?"

"I was makin' things interesting. Come on, Vince. It was fun, wasn't it?"

Vincent lifted himself off of Cid and helped the pilot sit up and sighed. "I won't lie to you, Cid Highwind. That was the most fun I've had in over thirty years."

"That's right!" shouted Cid, the happiness radiating from his body contaminating Vincent and making him laugh. "And now that we're away from those annoying Avalanche bastards…"

"I see where you're going with this…"

"Do ya? Well then I don't need to bother with formalities then! Let's have some more fun!"

Pushing Vincent back onto the ground, Cid climbed on top of the gunman and unbuttoned his cloak. "Sorry 'bout your coat, Vince. It's a little burnt at the bottom from the dynamite, but… eh… you'll live!" Cid wrenched the dirty and burnt cloak off Vincent's shoulders and flung it next to his broken weapon. Feeling slightly naked without his heavy mantle, Vincent stole a kiss from Cid and removed the pilot's jacket.

"Mmm, first you keep me up all night and now you ruin my coat," mumbled Vincent, gazing teasingly into Cid's eyes. "You owe me big time."

"What, the joy ride wasn't enough?"

"Take me for a different sort of joy ride."

Cid grinned, his strong hands pinning down Vincent's slender shoulders with gentleness and ease. "Welcome to the Highwind. My name is Cid and I will be your captain on this beautiful afternoon. Please keep your hands on me at all times and unbuckle your chastity belt when the light turns red. Thank you for flying with Cid Highwind." He lowered his face to the gunman's and prepared for liftoff with a long, passionate kiss.

* * *

Vincent buckled the last clasp on his mantle and faced Cid with a shy smile. "Cid, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" grunted Cid, lighting his second cigarette in five minutes with the butt of his old one.

"Cid, how are we supposed to get back?"

* * *

-crazykitsune17


	3. Part Three

A/N: Don't take this chapter seriously. It's kinda stupid. But mildly entertaining nonetheless! Final installment!

* * *

**Somniloquy**

Part Three

By crazykitsune17

* * *

"Geez, where do you think they could have gone?" asked Cloud, putting his hands on his hips in annoyance. Tifa, the only one listening, shrugged in response. The rest of Avalanche was still recovering from bouts of shock and giggles.

"Maybe they died!" screamed Yuffie. "I mean, did you _see_ that? Ka-boom! They just took right off! Yeah, they're probably burnt to a crisp right now…"

"Yuffie, you go find them," ordered Cloud.

"What!? Why me? You're the leader! It's your problem!" the ninja argued.

"No, it's yours. You're the one that made them get all… whatever it is that they are now. You're the one with the bright idea to get Cid to tell his secret, and now look what he's done!"

"Hey, we all agreed that my evil plan was a good one! Don't trash talk it now! I put my heart and soul into that maneuver!" She jabbed a finger at her chest to emphasize her point.

"Hey! I got a better idea," grumbled Barret. "Why don't we just wait for them to find their own way back?"

"But that could take _hours_!" whined Yuffie.

"Well then you go find 'em."

Yuffie pouted. "Uff! Whatever. But they might not even come back, ya know, now that they're all lovey-dovey grossness."

"They'll be back," said Cloud confidently. "We're too much of a family now for them to just run away and never come back."

"I dunno!" teased Yuffie. "The bonds of love are sometimes stronger than the bonds of family!"

"Yuffie, either be quiet or we're locking you in the airship."

* * *

"Do you have any more flares, Cid?" asked Vincent, taking a seat on the edge of the cliff the two rebellious lovers were stranded on. "We could light one and use it as a smoke signal…"

"No way!" shouted Cid. "We ain't lightin' one of my sticks just so we can be _rescued_ like a couple'a pansies! You're a big boy, Vincent, we'll hike back!"

"Over a river?"

"… You can swim, can't you?"

Vincent didn't respond.

"Yeah, me neither." Cid took a seat next to Vincent and kicked his feet in silence. Vincent sat motionless, pondering what to do next.

"Ahh, if only I had my airship…" Cid sighed.

"You left it at the camp site with Cloud and the others."

"I know that!" the pilot retorted. "I'm jus' sayin'… If I only had it… you know…"

A few moments passed in silence, Cid smoking a cigarette, Vincent musing. A cloud's shadow passed over them, and the wind rippled swiftly through their hair. A tumbleweed somersaulted over the cliff next to the pensive duo.

After a while, Vincent stood up and held out a hand to help the pilot to his feet as well. Cid took it, eager to hear Vincent's plan of action. Vincent stared Cid deep in the eyes, not blinking once for a full ten seconds, and said gravely, "Cid, I think it's time we learned how to swim."

* * *

"So… Tifa… about the other night…"

Cloud barged into Tifa's and Yuffie's tent, much to the annoyance of the younger ninja, who squealed, "Knock before entering a lady's tent! I could've been naked, ya know!" Ignoring Tifa, Cloud ventured further into the tiny room and sat next to Tifa. Suspicious, Tifa gave Cloud a wiggle of the eyebrow and an eyeball full of question.

"You know I'm not really lookin' at other girls _like that_… right?"

Yuffie threw up her arms in exasperation. "Ho boy, first we got Cid and Vincent getting all serious on us, now _you're_ gonna join the mushy love talk action too, Cloud? Sheesh, aren't there any _normal people_ in this team of rejects!? I'm outta here." Making sure to exit theatrically, the ninja flipped her hair in a haughty fashion and began to complain as loud as she could to the rest of the group how everybody was so concerned with trivial issues.

"Ignore her," said Tifa softly, taking Cloud's hand into her own.

"Don't worry, I usually do when she's like this," chuckled Cloud. "But hey, like I said… you know, Tifa, you're really the only… girl… you know…"

Tifa waited for Cloud to say more. When it didn't come, she sighed and stood up, leaving Cloud alone on the roll-out mattress. "I'm gonna go… save the others from Yuffie…" She left.

"What?" Cloud reached out, but Tifa had already left. Putting his head in his hands, he mumbled to himself, "Maybe I should try sleeptalking…?"

* * *

Vincent trekked in silence, Cid lagging behind, panting after a mile's venture across the barren landscape near Cosmo Canyon. With every four steps of the taller gunman's, Cid only managed a step and a half. He doubled over, wheezing, "Hey, Vincent! Slow down, will ya? I… I uh…" Cid choked on his own hacking cough.

"That would be your smoker's lung talking," said Vincent, retracing his steps back so that he could help Cid hobble along in misery beside him. "It was your idea to walk…"

"Yeah, but… Man! I really oughta quit suckin' on these…" Cid dug a fresh cigarette out of his pocket and lit up, blowing smoke at Vincent. The gunman pulled a face and groaned, "Don't blow it at me, or I'll end up just as pathetic as you, coughing up my own lung every two seconds."

"Whatever. You don't know what yer missin'." From this point on, Cid turned away from Vincent to blow out smoke.

Another mile passed in smoky silence until they had both reached the river. It was past noon now, Vincent could tell by the sun's direction, and he looked over at a barely-there Cid.

The pilot slumped down at Vincent's side in a crumpled heap, exhausted. Shoving his final burned-up cigarette into the ground, he heaved a giant sigh and rested his head against Vincent's nearby legs. Vincent looked down and noticed Cid had closed his eyes and was attempting to take a nap before proceeding with the difficult swimming lesson that lie ahead of them.

Vincent leaned down, careful not to move his legs and send Cid falling on his face. "Cid," he whispered. "Cid, get up."

"No, no, not now, Vincent… tired…"

Deliberately stepping away from the napping pilot, Vincent adopted his best sneer and said, "I thought you were over the sleeptalking, Highwind."

"Fuck… you…"

* * *

Yuffie was in the middle of a brilliant tirade when Tifa left the tent. Cait Sith and Red XIII were listening with a dazed sort of confusion as Yuffie ranted and raved about "romance-obsessed idiots" and "lack of discipline". Vaguely, Red XIII registered Tifa's moping form on his radar and interrupted Yuffie with a greeting to Tifa.

"Hello, Tifa. Why the long face?"

Yuffie spun around mid-sentence and blinked to collect her thoughts. "Wha… Tifa?" Suddenly she smiled. "Ho boy! I know _exactly_ what happened!" Yuffie guffawed. "Cloud's failing at being a gentleman, isn't he?"

"N-No…" said Tifa slowly. "I just came outside to—"

"What a loser!" Yuffie resumed her rant position, balanced on her tiptoes, leaning forward, one hand at the hip, the other up in the air, making a point with her index finger. "You see, guys? When you all finally get into relationships of your own, here is a prime example of what _not_ to do! Never ever _ever_ leave your lady lookin' like this poor girl over here! I'm gonna go talk to him…" The ninja stormed back into her tent.

Cait Sith turned to Red XIII and whispered, "You know, somehow I don't think I can take the relationship advice of a sixteen-year-old ninja very seriously…"

* * *

It was almost nightfall when Cid finally woke up. Face plastered with dirt and bits of grass, the pilot sat up, yawned, stretched, and swore. Looking up at the dark sky, Cid yelped and scrambled quickly to his feet. "Geez, Vincent, why didn't ya wake me up! It's damn near nighttime!"

When his outburst was met with silence, Cid looked over and noticed, for the second time in two nights, that his words were met on deaf, sleeping ears. Vincent was propped up against a nearby tree, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, chest heaving up and down with every slow breath. Cid faltered, face twisting into an ironic sort of frown, and he lit up a cigarette.

"Hey! Vincent!" he yelled as loud as he could, cigarette dangling from his mouth. "Wake up! Let's swim!"

Vincent's eyes snapped open, and he pushed himself away from the tree. Not needing to stretch or curse or complain, he ambled his way over to Cid and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "About time you woke up," he said calmly. "Let's do this."

"All… all right…"

Vincent grabbed Cid's hand and looked him in the eye. "We'll jump in on three."

"Okay."

"One… two… three!"

Vincent had to tug Cid behind him as he jumped into the shallow end of the river, wincing as the frigid water seeped through his boots and chilled his toes. Cid screeched loudly, "Cold!" and hopped from one foot to the other on the rocks of the river, succeeding not in making himself any warmer, but in getting the two of them even more soaked from the splashing.

"Stop it!" Vincent snapped. "Let's keep going!"

The two waded into the water until they were both up to their shoulders. Shivering, Cid turned to the gunman and muttered, "S-so should we start s-swimming now?"

"I s-suppose so," said Vincent, shoulders shaking against the cold. "I think it involves a combined motion of moving your arms and kicking…"

"Like this?" Cid slammed himself face first into the water and violently kicked his legs up and down, arms flailing, and getting nowhere. He splashed back up to the surface and sputtered, "D-damn it! That's not gonna work, Vince! What the hell do we do now?!"

"Calm down, Cid! We'll f-figure this out!" Vincent submerged his own body and tried a method strikingly similar to the pilot's, only with more fluid and graceful movements. He still only managed to move forward a couple of feet. Panicking when his feet couldn't reach the bottom anymore, Vincent cried, "Cid! Help me!"

"What the fuck am I supposed to do?" cried the pilot. "If I try to help you I'll just end up drowning too!"

Vincent managed a frustrated noise before his head went underwater, but with some effort and a less-graceful swimming maneuver, he managed to get back to a more suitable depth. Wiping the sopping wet hair out of his eyes, Vincent growled, "I could have drowned, you know!"

"… But you didn't."

Vincent sighed. "This isn't working… We need to find a better way."

"Nah, Vince, we're goners."

"This is all your fault. If you hadn't had that stupid idea to send us blasting away on a makeshift rocket—"

"Vince, shut up!"

"No, Cid, listen to me—"

"No, really, Vince! Be quiet! Look over there!"

"What is it?" Vincent turned around and quieted immediately. Standing in the center of the frozen river was a magnificent blue chocobo. "Oh…" the gunman breathed, turning back to face Cid. "If we could call it over, we could ride it to the other side! That's a river chocobo!"

"Yeah!" Cid fumbled around his pockets and pulled out a soggy green lump. "Gysahl greens!" he said, showing them to Vincent. "Here, Choco! Come here, boy! Got some n-nice, fresh greens!"

Shivering in silence and hoping for the best, the soaking wet duo waited with hopeful anticipation for the chocobo to approach them. Finally, after what seemed like years of waiting, the dazzling blue river chocobo gracefully waded its way over to them. With a soft, charming coo, the bird lapped up the greens in Cid's hand and chirped gratefully.

"N-now it should let us ride it!" exclaimed Cid excitedly. "Come on, Vincent, hop on!"

With difficulty, the two of them mounted the chocobo, weighed down significantly by their waterlogged clothing. The chocobo chirped again, and with a squeeze of Cid's legs, the bird was bolting across the river.

Barely able to hang on under the slippery circumstances, Cid and Vincent clung to the ice-blue feathers of the river chocobo until it had reached the other side. With twin sighs of relief, the two men petted and thanked the chocobo for the wild river rescue.

"Look," said Vincent, pointing towards a forest. "We're close to camp now."

"About time!" yelled Cid. "Let's go, Choco!"

* * *

"Gawd, Cloud, have you not grown up a bit since you were fourteen? Just tell Tifa you love her already!" Yuffie was about three minutes into her latest relationship rant when a ruckus from outside interrupted Cloud and the ninja. "Woah, what the heck was that?" Yuffie screamed, leaping out of the tent to investigate. Cloud followed close behind, face red from embarrassment and irritation with Yuffie.

A blue chocobo had rampaged into the camp, squawking cheerfully, bearing a duo the majority of Avalanche doubted they'd ever see again. Still shivering from their freezing attempt a swimming lesson, Cid and Vincent dismounted and hurried toward the smoldering fire pit.

"Hey, it's the wacky lovebirds!" cried Barrett. "Where the hell have you been?"

"D-don't ask," said Vincent, taking off his cloak and setting it out to dry on a nearby log.

"No, no, I'll tell 'em!" said Cid excitedly. "It was pretty cool. First, we blasted off on a rocket – can ya believe it? I can't believe we made it there, much less back here, in one piece – and then we hiked for miles and crossed the river on this nice little chocobo!"

"… You make it sound so easy, Cid," murmured Vincent, wringing out the pieces of his hair that weren't frozen. "It was a trip from hell."

"Trip from hell, my ass! You said it was the most fun in thirty years!"

"… Aside from the fact that we almost died on numerous occasions."

"Pfft! Listen to this guy! What a… what a Debbie Downer!"

"_What_ did you call me?"

Cid and Vincent continued to argue. The rest of the group trickled off to run their own agendas. Cait Sith forked over a handful of Gil to Barrett while the bigger man gloated. "Told ya they'd come back," he said with a sneer. The cat just glowered and Red XIII chuckled. Yuffie rolled her eyes and went back to harassing Cloud while Tifa watched in embarrassment.

Eventually it was bedtime, and the team wandered into their various tents, lamenting the passing of a completely pointless and unproductive day.

Before going to bed, however, Cloud once more entered into Tifa's and Yuffie's tent without knocking, but Yuffie was already asleep (worn out from a long day of yelling and shouting). Making his way over to Tifa's bed, he touched her gently on her shoulder and turned her around to face him.

"I hate to say it, but Yuffie's right. I have something I want to tell you… Or rather, can I show you?"

Tifa smiled. "You don't have to say anything, Cloud. I already know. But I wouldn't mind a little display of aff—oh!"

Tifa squealed lightly as Cloud leaned in to kiss her, his soft lips cutting his girlfriend's short. They kissed quietly in the moonlight, trying not to make any noise lest they invoked the wrath of the sleeping ninja two feet to their right.

Perhaps they weren't quiet enough, as Yuffie woke up from her slumber and shouted with a voice loud enough to wake everyone up in the next town.

"GAWD!"

* * *

-crazykitsune17


End file.
